Wedding Anniversary

Today is LOM s seventeenth wedding anniversary and reading about it made me think about the looming 25th anniversry for Bear and me.

It’s wonderful to hear that for LOM and her husband the second time round  is a success. Also Pat and her True Love had to wait many years for their happy reunion.

But if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you’ll realise that not all second marriages are bliss – not by any means . . . .

It’s true, if I’d  listened to my head, and my mother, I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it but, at the time, we had been living together for nearly a year, and the thought of a ‘split’ was just too bleak to handle. It was not long after Bear’s divorce was finalised in 1984 that he announced casually that if there wasn’t anything ‘on’ for 13th October  we could get married because he had booked the Registry Office.

I wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or worried by the lack of ‘romance’. I was due to play at concert given by the choir I accompanied in the evening – but that didn’t seem to make any difference. Any celebration would be well and truly over by then and there certainly wouldn’t be a honeymoon: it was school as usual on Monday. I should have taken the warning when, a week before the ‘big day’ I told Bear I was feeling a bit ‘unsure’ – ‘uncertain’  – hoping for  some reassurance – but he snapped back with something like “Well, if you don’t want to get married you know what you can do, don’t you.”

The wedding was a very low-key affair – my sister and Bear’s brother were to be witnesses,  my daughter came but my son didn’t want to –  and just a few close friends  made the total party about a dozen. Bear had bought sandwiches and nibbles from the local pub and we all went back to his old house (he had bought his first wife’s share) which was to be our ‘home.’  But it didn’t feel remotely like a home to me. He  deliberately avoided putting beds in the children’s rooms for well over a month so they had to stay with their dad (Whale) and when they did move in they were made to feel most unwelcome.

However, the very worst thing about my wedding day, the thing that made me realise I’d made an enormous mistake was when my daughter, who had accompanied me to the Register office, tried to get into the back seat of the car that Bear and I were in.

“Your mum belongs to me now”. he snarled, “You’ll have to go back with someone else.”

I took her to our friends car saying they’d need someone to show them the house, but inwardly I was devastated and I’ve not been able to talk about that incident  with my daughter either.

To say the last 25 years have all been bad would certainly not be true – but I can’t honestly say it’s been a ‘marriage made in heaven’.

Neither would it be fair to lay the blame entirely at Bear’s door. I should have realised and accepted that he was jealous of my children and that he couldn’t be happy sharing my love.

He claims that he “still loves me as much as ever despite the fact that I’m not the girl I used to be”   – and he wants to go away for a holiday to celebrate our Silver Wedding.

Unfortuately I can’t summon up any enthusiasm .

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13 Responses to “Wedding Anniversary”

  1. Little old me Says:

    Sandy this is so sad, your second wedding sounds like my first, but I can’t say I would go back and change it, if I did I wouldn’t have number 1. If nothing else talk to your children and clear your worries.
    Thank you LOM. I do talk to my children – alot – but the memory of that incident on my wedding day must be equally painful for my daughter and I just don’t want to bring it up.

  2. Keith Says:

    Quote: “Well, if you don’t want to get married you know what you can do, don’t you.” Why on earth didn’t you take his advice and walk away?

    I’ve been asking myself that same question for years, Keith. Just goes to show the dangers of letting your heart rule your head, becasue I really believed I was in love with him and that ‘things would change’ if I could make him happy.

    Sorry I didn’t visit you last week. I was actually not far from you, my last but one night was at the ‘Hotel Le Relais Du Square’ in Charleville. I did think of paying you a surprise visit, but I was a bit wary of Bear, especially after THAT phone call! I’m a coward!

    I had a feeling you might be nearby and was half expecting a phonecall but I do undersatand why you didn’t risk it!

  3. tillylil Says:

    What a pity you didn’t marry in Las Vegas like Britney spears. You could have annulled it 48 hours later!

    Even though it is still painful, consider talking to Catherine. It wasn’t you who made the nasty comment and she may also feel a need to share her feelings. Then again she may have forgiven or forgotten and you may have been feeling bad so long and not needed to.

    Re: your 25 th anniversary – you could consider getting your own back on Bear and tell him as the children still live with you they would like to come and celebrate 25 blissful years of living with Bear – then again perhaps not.

    One big problem about going away is that CC and Jay have tickets for a concert in Paris on the 15th October. If Bear wants a week away it would mean going only a matter of days after his cataract operation (on the 1st). So far I haven’t dared tell him that our ‘holiday’ is tied in with the children’s plans . . . . .
    Maybe we will all celebrate together on the 13th after all!!!!!!

  4. tillylil Says:

    you got married on the 13th. Was it a Friday by any chance?
    it has been unlucky for you ever since!

  5. Keith Says:

    Tillylil – It was a Saturday!

  6. sablonneuse Says:

    I can see why you thought that, Tracey but well worked out, Keith!

  7. Sara Says:

    Hi Sandy, I am sorry I have been such a slug about following you. My first & only marriage sounds like a dream compared to this. Peace be with you. I will do better about checking blogs from now on – have been missing them despite my delinquency. xo Sara

    i seem to have less time to follow all my favourite blogs nowadays, Sara. I used to read them all every day but now I can only ‘pop in’ two or three times a week. Maybe it’s because my daughter is often on the puter. . . . .

  8. Pat Says:

    This makes me feel so sad for you Sandy and reminds me of the bleakness I used to feel. Now I look back on the happy times of my first marriage – with the children they did exist.
    With retrospective knowledge I’d say try to remember any good times you have had with Bear and try to forgive him for his unfortunate personality and at least for the anniversary concentrate on enjoying it and congratulating yourself for your patience and forbearance. I seemed to have punned!
    On the other hand you could tell me to go and take a running jump. Whatever – I wish you well and the happiness you deserve.

    Thanks for your sound advice, Pat.
    I don’t mean to wallow in self-pity but the blog does give me a chance to vent my feelings and let off steam.
    It’s very true there are good times to look back on and I’m still trying to work out whether Bear’s behaviour is caused by his character, his diabetes or a personality disorder – or whether he’s just plain b****yminded. . . . .

  9. Justin Says:

    Hi Sandy ~ I’ve found your blogsite via Keith’s. I too feel sad reading your post … to think that you’ve “stuck it out” all these years, and that you don’t feel like celebrating your 25th.

    Mrs C and I got married back in 1972. We’ve had our ups and downs like most folk, but presently I think our relationship is going well. I recently asked Mrs C what is the secret for a long-lasting happy relationship. She said: “Tolerance.”
    I agree with her … … putting up with me, all these years.

    Hello Justin and thank you for your comment. I have to agree with your wife that Tolerance is very important, not only in a marriage but life in general. I’m very pleased to hear that you are happy together.

  10. Vagabonde Says:

    This is a shame that you have not been too happy with your mate. At least if you are free to think, read, do want you want, it is still something. I think that there should be a lot of freedom in a marriage to get along. By freedom I don’t mean going with other men but just doing things on your own, to have pleasure in your own company. Life is short though, so I don’t like to hear when someone is not totally happy in their relationship.

  11. guyana gyal Says:

    Your story is so sad, I see it over and over with women, friends, almost me, once.

    It’s sad how we ignore our instincts.

    There’s a book I’ve browse through, meaning to read in detail…it talks about listening to one’s instinct, and why we women ignore it.

    If you celebrate, celebrate you, life, your children.

  12. canisfamiliaris Says:

    Sandy

    You should send Bear away on holiday on your 25th – with a one-way ticket!! (Preferably to the Leeward Islands, The Falklands, Antarctica …)

    derek

  13. guyana gyal Says:

    Canisfamiliaris, or to Guyana, hahaha…

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