Bear again!!

It’s a long time since I’ve posted a moan about Bear.

In fact, apart from the occasional tantrum and tirade about living with the family, he hasn’t been too bad.

Until Thursday evening.

It was only a small thing that set him off. Our youngest cat, Willow was due for her operation (sterilisation) on Friday and food and drink were forbidden from 6 o’clock.

I made a point of telling everyone that I was feeding the cats early and then shutting Willow out of the conservatory at six to keep her away from the feeding bowls. I also put away the biscuits we keep in the bedroom (Holly’s diet – but they all like it).

During the evening I heard the rattle of biscuits coming from the bedroom and went in to find Bear putting out a bowl under Willow’s nose.

Of course, I called out to stop him and he went mad!

The verbal abuse ended with him coming at me, face full of hatred and grabbing me by the shoulders to shake me.

“I’ll shake you till your teeth drop out”  he began but suddenly seemed to realise what he was doing and let me go.

He started on his usual list of complaints: I’m not a wife to him – I don’t look after him properly – all our friends wonder how he puts up with it – I’m a selfish cow, only doing what I want – and I don’t love him!

Well, of course I’m no longer in love with him:  not when I’ve had to put up with that sort of behaviour for years on end, but I do look after him and I’m much nicer to him than he is to me.

Not surprisingly, I decided to sleep in the spare room “until you apologise”.

But would you believe it, he claimed that he only came towards me to kiss me and I reacted badly.

There sinply isn’t an answer to that – except that either he’s mad or I am. . . . . . . . .

By the way, Willow is still a bit dopey but she enjoyed the fish I cooked specially for her and so it looks as though she’s on the mend.

9 Responses to “Bear again!!”

  1. Little old me Says:

    Sandy you need to get out of this relationship, I have been where you are, please get some help.

  2. Z Says:

    LOM is right, dear Sandy. I’m not sure if any of your family give you the love and support you need and deserve, but Bear behaves appallingly and I think you hardly realise how abusive he is. He’s unpredictable – that is, ‘not too bad’ is the best it gets and then he explodes into temper, he shows you no respect, let alone affection and he’s made no attempt to assimilate into French society, such as by learning the language, so there’s no chance of him making friends unless with your help. I really think that this way of life has become normal to you, so you don’t see how wrong it is.

  3. tillylil Says:

    Did the others hear all this too and remonstrate with him?
    He sounds like he is in denial about his behaviour.
    Why don’t you ask him for a divorce and then you can live as house guests and have no responsibilty to each other than sharing house finances.
    Happy Easter by the way.

  4. sablonneuse Says:

    Thanks for your support ladies. Helen and Z: you’re right, I have kind of become used to his bullying and I admit I acceot more than I should but I do think age and illness are factors which make it difficult to ‘get rid of him’ at this stage.
    Tracey: the rest of the family didn’t hear this because Jay was upstairs and CC was at work (yes – she has two months teaching!!!). Jay was all for confronting him when he learned what had happened but we avoided confrontation as Willow was due for her operation next day.
    They think I should approach him calmly (when they are both within earshot) to see if he’ll admit to his behaviour and try to get some help – even if it means going to England.

  5. guyana gyal Says:

    How I wish you wouldn’t feel sorry for him because he’s old and ill. I hope Jay confronts him.

  6. tillylil Says:

    I am so glad CC has some paid work.
    I know Bear is old and has illness but he has been behaving like this for years.
    I don’t think he will accept any help at this late stage in his life so you will have to the find the best way to deal with these situations when they arise. He probably reacts in anger and then when he has calmed down goes into denial.
    Keep on sleeping in the spare room. At least you will get some peace amd marriage is a two way thing. In order for you to be a ‘good’ wife’ he needs to be a good husband and treat you with respect.
    Is he not due for a holiday on his own in England soon?

  7. Pat Says:

    I’m so sorry Sandy you have this cross to bear. I didn’t mean the pun. I don’t know what the answer is but your first responsibility is to your self. The whole caboosh will fall apart if you go down. I think you should get help – preferably from someone not involved. Look after yourself.

  8. canisfamiliaris Says:


    Sorry I have not been online for a while. Have been away on holiday. And you’re still having to put up with all this sh*t!

    I call that mental cruelty! Time to do something as some of your other correspondents have noted!!!

    Can’t you send him to the Foreign Legion, or something? He needs six months in a remote Saharan posting to bring him to his senses!!!!!


  9. sablonneuse Says:

    Thank you once again everyone, for your messages of support.
    Bear has been very ‘good’ since that episode which I take as a sign that he knows he went too far.
    When we went to the doctor for his monthly prescription I asked if he’d let me mention it and see if she could change his medication.
    He kind of agreed – at least he didn’t deny it – so I told her what he’d done. She said he had no right to be violent but she didn’t consider it serious enough to take any further, or give him a different antidepressant. . . . .

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